How to pee in a bedpan.

Someday, I swear, you will thank me for this. I wish someone had told me how to pee in a bedpan.

Because: IT IS REALLY HARD!

You never even think about it. You assume that when you have to go, you just will. Not.

Men are used to peeing with their feet on the ground. Women are using to peeing either sitting or squatting. A lifetime of conditioning has taught you never to pee in a bed, and never to pee lying down. And there you are, laying in your hospital bed and you’re handed a bedpan. It is not a surprise to find you can't.

1. Get everyone out of the room. The nurse slid a bedpan under me, and then stood there. You cannot pee in a bedpan with an audience. Ask her to leave and that you’ll ring the buzzer when you’re done.

2. If you can bend one knee, do. If you can bend two knees, even better.

3. Relax your mouth. Exhale with a big sigh. “Ahhhhh……” You have to hear a significant relaxing sigh come out of your mouth. You can't just "think" the sigh, you must actually make the noise. This verbal sigh relaxes your body and the exhale makes your muscles relax. Do this verbal exhale several times, and soon, you’ll be exhaling down there.

4. Do not worry about wetting the bed. That’s why the mattresses are covered in plastic. That’s why there are nurses. If you are worried about wetting the bed, it will stop you from being able to pee.

All these hospital lessons teach you gratitude – for all the things you take for granted.

How to recovery from surgery.

When I had knee surgery I thought: you have the surgery, you spend a few weeks in bed, then you go about your life.

Wrong.

Recovery is a long process which has different stages, speeds and time intervals. Your body heals faster than you think it will, but it recovers much slower than you ever imagined.

Thank your body for its capacity to heal and then, respect your body’s need for recovery. Here’s the process.

1. Just out of surgery, gratitude is the mode. Your job is to rest in bed and be relieved that your surgery is Just. Plain. Over. Your body has suffered an invasion and needs to recompose itself, detoxing from the anesthesia. Healing sleep is all you need.

2. Feeling enormously better with each day. Drinking, eating, peeing and pooping. These last two become very important after surgery. They indicate that all systems are working again.

3. You will have little triumphs. You will be able to life your head or roll over or sit up. The first time you sit up, stand up, walk, you will be dizzy. The first time you will be able to walk again. The first time you can use a toilet and take a shower will seem to your like a major miracle.

4. Time to go home. You felt fine in the hospital bed – and now, just getting into the wheelchair, into the car, into your house – and on your bed is exhausting. Everything seems impossible. Hours ago you were chafing to get out of the hospital, and now you’re overwhelmed by the responsibilities of taking care of yourself. Time to ask your friends to rally around. Whenever someone asks you if they can do something for you or cook a meal, say yes.

5. Your wound heals, but then begins recovery of the muscles and joints. Ask the doctor how long the process takes. I kept thinking something was wrong with me, when actually, I was just going through the painful weeks of recovery and getting my muscle tone back. It might actually take 6 months to a year before you are fully recovered. No one ever tells you this when you decide on surgery.

6. It seems like an eternity when you’re trying to recover from surgery. But when you look back, it will seem to have gone quickly. Don’t be impatient. Expect setbacks, sore muscles, visits to the doctors, changes in meds.

7. Then, one day…you will feel recovered and “normal.” Give thanks.