How to pee in a bedpan.

Someday, I swear, you will thank me for this. I wish someone had told me how to pee in a bedpan.

Because: IT IS REALLY HARD!

You never even think about it. You assume that when you have to go, you just will. Not.

Men are used to peeing with their feet on the ground. Women are using to peeing either sitting or squatting. A lifetime of conditioning has taught you never to pee in a bed, and never to pee lying down. And there you are, laying in your hospital bed and you’re handed a bedpan. It is not a surprise to find you can't.

1. Get everyone out of the room. The nurse slid a bedpan under me, and then stood there. You cannot pee in a bedpan with an audience. Ask her to leave and that you’ll ring the buzzer when you’re done.

2. If you can bend one knee, do. If you can bend two knees, even better.

3. Relax your mouth. Exhale with a big sigh. “Ahhhhh……” You have to hear a significant relaxing sigh come out of your mouth. You can't just "think" the sigh, you must actually make the noise. This verbal sigh relaxes your body and the exhale makes your muscles relax. Do this verbal exhale several times, and soon, you’ll be exhaling down there.

4. Do not worry about wetting the bed. That’s why the mattresses are covered in plastic. That’s why there are nurses. If you are worried about wetting the bed, it will stop you from being able to pee.

All these hospital lessons teach you gratitude – for all the things you take for granted.

How to recovery from surgery.

When I had knee surgery I thought: you have the surgery, you spend a few weeks in bed, then you go about your life.

Wrong.

Recovery is a long process which has different stages, speeds and time intervals. Your body heals faster than you think it will, but it recovers much slower than you ever imagined.

Thank your body for its capacity to heal and then, respect your body’s need for recovery. Here’s the process.

1. Just out of surgery, gratitude is the mode. Your job is to rest in bed and be relieved that your surgery is Just. Plain. Over. Your body has suffered an invasion and needs to recompose itself, detoxing from the anesthesia. Healing sleep is all you need.

2. Feeling enormously better with each day. Drinking, eating, peeing and pooping. These last two become very important after surgery. They indicate that all systems are working again.

3. You will have little triumphs. You will be able to life your head or roll over or sit up. The first time you sit up, stand up, walk, you will be dizzy. The first time you will be able to walk again. The first time you can use a toilet and take a shower will seem to your like a major miracle.

4. Time to go home. You felt fine in the hospital bed – and now, just getting into the wheelchair, into the car, into your house – and on your bed is exhausting. Everything seems impossible. Hours ago you were chafing to get out of the hospital, and now you’re overwhelmed by the responsibilities of taking care of yourself. Time to ask your friends to rally around. Whenever someone asks you if they can do something for you or cook a meal, say yes.

5. Your wound heals, but then begins recovery of the muscles and joints. Ask the doctor how long the process takes. I kept thinking something was wrong with me, when actually, I was just going through the painful weeks of recovery and getting my muscle tone back. It might actually take 6 months to a year before you are fully recovered. No one ever tells you this when you decide on surgery.

6. It seems like an eternity when you’re trying to recover from surgery. But when you look back, it will seem to have gone quickly. Don’t be impatient. Expect setbacks, sore muscles, visits to the doctors, changes in meds.

7. Then, one day…you will feel recovered and “normal.” Give thanks.

How to go into surgery.

Here are some tips that I'll share from my recent knee surgery.

Surgery IS a big deal. Mentally and physically. Take it seriously.

Information is power. You need to go into your surgery with a positive attitude. Ask lots of questions. Afterall, YOU are the consumer of this experience. Ask your doctor what would happen if you didn't have surgery. Ask the doctor the risks of your surgery. Ask your doctor how many times she has performed this surgery. Get a second opinion if you are feeling nervous about her ability or about the need for surgery.

Once you make the decision to proceed, believe in your surgery. Attitude is everything.

Plan ahead and "take care of business." Do as much as you can before the big day. Pay your bills, cut your grass, go to the grocery and fill your cupboard with what you might eat afterwards. I Christmas shopped, wrapped and decorated the house before I went in to surgery. Then, I recovered in a happy home, ready for the holidays.

Set up a support system for before and after the surgery. Who will take you to the hospital? Who will see you in the recovery room? You need an advocate at that moment, because you'll be hazy from anesthesia. Who will check in on you daily? Talk to the nurses and doctor if you need help? And finally, who will take you home from the hospital?

Prepare your body. Surgery and anesthesia are very hard on the body. One week before your surgery: stop drinking alcohol. Give your kidneys a rest. Take your vitamins. Stay healthy. Two days before surgery stop eating meat. Start eating lightly. One day before surgery, consider a juice and soup fast. You don't want your intestines filled with matter... While you are under an anesthetic, your intestines stop working. You don't want to be post surgery, sore, tender, immobile, and worry about pooping. You will have plenty of other things to worry about. Drink lots of liquids. You want to be very hydrated before surgery.

Your hospital survival kit. Hospitals charge you for absolutely everything, so take needed items and some comfort items. Washcloth, (not only for washing, but for having friends soothe you and refresh you) toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, lip balm, body lotion, sleeping mask, pashmina, light blanket, several changes of underwear, big baggy T shirt, slippers, book, knitting, cell phone, cuddly soft socks, Ipod.

Sleeping in a hospital is very difficult and the sleeping mask will save you. In a hospital the nurses come in all night long, turning on the light, to check your temp, give you meds, and interrupt you every time you manage to fall into a light sleep. The eye mask excuses you from having to make contact, be polite or even opening your eyes. You want the light blanket, because your hospital blanket will probably be heavy, and if you have had surgery, you want warmth, but not heaviness weighing on your sore body. The cuddly soft socks help, because you can keep your feet warm and then just lie under a sheet. The pashmina, is for keeping your upper body warm. Between socks, light blanket and pashmina, you are able to deal with all your temperature zones -- and this is crucial in your comfort.

I also brought two different shaped tempurpedic pillows. Getting comfortable in a hospital bed, especially when you've been lying in bed for days, is hard. You put them under your neck, your arms, your knees, your sides -- anything to do to get comfortable. If you are comfortable, you heal faster.

You check in. You go to your room. Be calm, listen to your music, and all will be well.

My son, out in the world.

My son is celebrating his first Thanksgiving away from home, in another country. He has taken his place in the world. He made his own travel arrangements. He chose his wardrobe and packed his suitcase. It was up to him to make sure he remembered toothbrush, credit card and hostess gift. "He arrived," teletexted my cousin, “and looks great and is nice and smart and sweet.”

That’s what a Mother wants to hear.

She also wants to hear that he shooed the hostess away from washing dishes and took over the chore himself. (Hmmm..he never shooed me away from the dishes! Maybe I have this to look forward to.)

This is what all those early years were about. All the work you do with your children, about making beds and picking up their clothes and table manners and hostess gifts… All the teaching, cajoling and punishing, which makes you tired of the sound of your own voice…really does kick in at a certain age.

This is the person you were dreaming of. A warm, considerate, compassionate, grateful, joyful person., taking his place, out in the world., creating a satisfying, lovely, inspiring life for himself and others.

Will you regret it later on?

One August during a curiously stressful visit by my Mother, it was time to decide whether I’d take the children to her house for Christmas—a 12 hour trip in two airplanes. Experience had taught me that reservations had to be made then, or it would be all sold out.

I wasn’t ready to make this decision just yet because I was feeling bruised by her negative manner.

Dr. Janny to the rescue. She's my best friend since junior high school who, today, is a wonderful psychiatrist.

“What I always ask my patients is," she said, “If you don’t go, is this something you might regret in the future?”

“If it is something you would regret in the future, then don’t even think twice about it and do it. But if it is something you won’t regret, then you’re off the hook.”

I immediately made the reservations.

It turned out to be my Mother’s last Christmas.

Now that she is gone, it is clear to me that her stressful visit in August was because she was not feeling well; in fact, she was dying. But we didn’t know it yet. She never said, “I don’t feel well,” she just acted grouchy and difficult. She acted the same way on her visit to my brother, puzzling him at the time as well.

Now we look back and understand everything – and have no regrets. We take comfort and rejoice in the memories.

How to talk on the telephone

I’m kidding, right? You have to learn how to talk on the telephone?
Well, yes apparently. We talk on the phone all the time, but I’ve noticed people just flow all over the place.

There is a telephone etiquette: Don’t be rude, don’t be abrupt or too fast, don’t give away too much information, don’t ramble.

Answering the phone. In office life, and in countries like Germany and Switzerland, you answer the phone announcing your name, so the caller can immediately identify whether s/he reached the right number. As in, "Dunkel" or "Dunkel residence."

In much of the rest of the world, the phone is answered, Pronto, Bueno, Allo, Hello – which basically indicates: we have a connection, proceed.

Identify yourself. Don’t just start talking, assuming the other person recognizes your voice. You’re not that special. And often, a hello doesn’t register.

If it is a business call you would say, “Hello, this is Elizabeth Dunkel. I’m calling to speak to… about …..”

If it is a personal call, identify yourself as well. I don’t care how well you think the other person knows your voice. There's nothing more annoying than answering the phone and someone says, "Hi," and I'm left wondering, okay, who is this? So I finally say, “Who is this?” and the other person is offended because I don’t recognize them.

Be polite. Don’t just say, “Is Joe there?” Too abrupt. Get out of my way buster.
Chat for a minute. “Hi, this is Elizabeth. How are you?” Chat a bit and then ask for Joe.

Don’t just say, “wrong number” and hang up. The phone will ring five seconds later with the same wrong call and you’ll be bothered again. Ask the person, “What number are you trying to reach?” And when they tell you, you reply, “No, you have reached xxx-xxxx,” and they will understand what they marked incorrectly, or that they simply don’t have the proper number.

Don’t ever start a phone call with, “Who is this?” That is rude and abrupt.
Imagine. Your phone rings. You answer it, only to hear, “Who is this?”
When someone does that to me, I turn the question around. They need to identify themselves first, they’re the ones who called me. So, I say, “The question is, to whom would you like to speak?”


People have lives. Feel free to ask, “Is this a good time to call?” And if not, “When is a good time for me to call?” Feel free to say, “I’d really like to talk to you but this is not a good time for me to talk, can I return your call?

Be concise. Don’t ramble. Say, “I’m on my cell, I’m lost, can you look up a phone number for me?”

Always end your phone call with the words, “Thank you so much for your call.” Or, “Nice talking to you.”

See, that wasn't so painful, was it?

Mother as "Personal Assistant"

Lately, I’m not feeling like a Mother anymore…but mostly, my daughter’s personal assistant.

Nina is 16 and a half and a junior in high school. Remember how grown up you felt when you were that age? Well, I’m respecting that.

I wake her up in the morning for school. I make her a cup of tea. I drive her to school. I ask her, “What would you like for lunch today?” The reason I ask, is because it is just the two of us, and if I make what I want, and she doesn’t want it, she just won’t eat it. So since I’m easy, it’s easier for me to prepare something she will eat.

I see that her clothes are washed and ironed. I drive her to her sports, academic events and social life. I give her cash when she needs it. Not exhorbitant amounts, but enough for the occasional burger or movie.

This all feels more like personal assisting, not mothering. But I guess that’s a play on words. Because it really is Mothering. With a grown up and very modern twist.

Maligning the Mother

Mothers are the grist for the lifetime mill. Everything begins with Mother. Mother is the source of your life, then the source of your joy. Just look at any baby cooing at her Mother, or any toddler’s face lighting up when Mother comes into the room.

For those precious years, we Mothers are on the pedestal, in the great love affair between Mother and child, and then, floof, our child becomes an adult and we are off the pedestal and into the frying pan of life’s impossible people to deal with.

Is our love that suffocating or awful? Why is it that Mothers morph into the monster, and become the source of our formerly adoring, adult child’s ennui?

Why is it that a friend can give you advice and you can “hear” it, but if your Mother gives you the same advice, you discount it, or, it drives you crazy?

Think of the Mother in literature and the Mother in movies. The larger than life “Mommie Dearest.” The eye rolling, the children suffering their Mother, the Mother as the cause of all root problems. “The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood” was all about the daughter’s inability to live her own authentic life due to a misunderstood conflict in her mother-daughter relationship. In Sean Wilsey’s book, “Oh the Glory of It All” he writes, “When describing my Mother it is impossible to overstate her grandeur, her haughtiness, her generosity, her old Hollywood star power, her immaturity…”

We mothers are quite powerful, it seems. Perhaps it would be better to be… less powerful?

But you are powerful when you are raising your child. And therein lies the problem. You keep your children alive, clean, fed, rested, educated. I’m beginning to think the stamp of that powerful presence you had in their lives always has the power to wound in the most unsuspected ways.

No one wants to be the cause of eye rolling. I certainly don’t want to be the sturm and drang Mother. The demanding Mother. The guilt trip Mother. The needy Mother. The impossible Mother. The loud Mother. The exhausting Mother.

But I’m beginning to think it is part of the Mother “lode.” The power that you once had lingers in the raise of an eyebrow, in a tone of voice. Perhaps, sadly, it helps pave the way for the ultimate separation.

In the meantime, I vow to remain cheerful, light, receptive. That’s what an adult child wants, right? Now that my Mother is gone, I understand, it is certainly how she treated me.

How you heal determines the quality of the rest of your life.

This is not my advice. This advice was given to me by my dear friend Judy, and it has been engraved in my heart and mind forever. Even I have a hard time following it.

I may have touched on this theme in my entry “How to be Sick. Nicely.” But as I have just checked one of my students out of the hospital after a grave illness, it comes to mind ever more strongly. I told him, “How you heal now, can affect the rest of your life.”

We get sick. Our bodies suffer an assault. And then we want to get back to our lives immediately, as they were. When you are recovering from a serious illness, you need to give your body time to heal. You are bored, you are anxious to get back to your life as you knew it, but don’t. Take that extra week or month. If you ignore the healing process, you can compromise the functioning of your body for the rest of your life.

We ask so much of our bodies. We take them for granted. But if the doctor says, don’t drive for a month, or stay in bed for at least a week, or don’t drink milk or alcohol for a month: follow this advice. Don’t suffer the relapse, because then it will take you even longer to heal and you can suffer chronic problems for the rest of your life as a result.

Your health is the only thing that matters in this life. You hear that so often, it's become a cliche. And you only understand it when illness strikes. But it is true. Oh so true.

Why you should drive the carpool.

Let’s say Friday night has arrived. You're exhausted after a week of driving to and from school, to piano, to soccer, to the study group, the play rehearsal, plus your own errands.

You're looking forward to a quiet night at home when your child asks, “Can you drive me and some friends to the movies?” And if you are like me, you try, “Can’t you stay home tonight?” or “Can you get another mother to do it?”

Mothers, I urge you: drive that carpool.

In carpool is when you see who your kids’ friends are and where they live. You get to see your child in a social situation, who she is among her friends and how she acts among them. You get to see your child in a way you never can at home.

When I first started driving carpools I thought I had to be a cool mom and chat with the kids. I thought my job was to put them at ease.

Wrong. A simple hello is enough. You don’t like it when your taxi driver talks your head off or peppers you with questions about your life.

Just be quiet and drive. And the best part: listen. A carpool Mom has the pleasure of listening to their conversation, their jokes, their gossip, their concerns.

Hey, you’re not spying; you’re just the driver.

The best time to talk to your kids

Here’s a little tip for you Mothers with young children who are reading The Portable Mother.

Friends ask me, “Do you call Pablo at college?”
Well, yes and no.
If I have something I need to communicate to him –airplane ticket info, loan application, important family news, I call him, give him the info, and then we chat a little and hang up. Mission accomplished.

But if I call him because I want to chat or to hear his voice, what I’ll get is a yawn, a disinterest, or he’s busy.

It reminded me of when my kids were little and I would pick them up at school and want to hear about their day. They’d get into the car and I’d say brightly, “So how was school?”

“Fine.”

“What’d you do today?”

“Not much.”

Here I wanted to hear about their day, and they were not interested. After a few tries I realized: They’ve been in school all day. They are tired. They are up to here with school. The last thing they want to talk about is school.

Later on in the day, when I’d be driving them to a piano lesson or taking them to buy some school supplies…they’d start talking and everything came out. Because they were ready to talk.

The best time to talk to your kids? When they want to talk. Not when you want to talk.

So, make them want to talk by leaving them alone a little. I’ve learned to wait for a good chat. When Pablo wants to talk, he’ll call me. It’s then that he’s loving, amenable, talkative, and sharing.

When I go online and see that Pablo is online I stifle the natural urge to immediately message “Hi!” I don’t want him to feel stalked by his mother.

Rather, I wait. He sees I’m online. If he wants, he’ll message me.

And more often than not, he does. “Hi!” pops up on my screen. And I’m the happiest Mother ever.

It's so over.

A month into Pablo’s freshman college life, I’m finally realizing it.
It is so over.
Mothering, as I knew it, is over.
I had my chance. 18 years of: go to bed, cut your hair, make your bed, take a shower, why don’t you…etc. 18 years of cajoling about piano, or sports, or friends, or homework.

Pablo doesn’t write, he doesn’t call. He’s so thrilled with his new found freedom to become an adult, his freedom to understand who he is in the world, without me telling him: go to bed, cut your hair, don’t play your music so loud.

When he comes home, he will be this adult “friend” –someone who I love endlessly, with a strange connection to me. I was once his Mother; I was once the person who had to teach him, tell him, and shower him with love. Now, I am his Mother – someone who will always take him in, who will always go visit him somewhere, who will always be his biggest champion.

But I can never tell him again what to do. I can make suggestions. But only when I am asked.

He doesn’t call, he doesn’t write. Doesn’t he love me? Doesn’t he miss me? But then, I remember, as a college freshman I wasn’t homesick. I didn’t miss my Mother particularly. I loved knowing she was “there” – but that was about it. I knew I was loved and supported. That's what you know for the rest of your life, that you are loved and supported by your Mother.

One of the rewards of launching your “child” in the world, is seeing what lessons you taught them, that they are now putting into practice as they discover who they are on their own.

What I see in Pablo is this: His joy with the world is my joy. I planted it. His hunger for reading is my hunger for reading. His desire for new experiences – horseback riding, piano, aikido, medieval sword fighting, party planning – is my desire for new experiences. He is generous and kind. He is compassionate and thoughtful. All the things I hoped and wanted he would be. He is all of this and more.

I spent my precious 18 years teaching my Pablo everything I know about life. Now it is my turn to watch and let him teach me who he is and how he will live his life.

"...And how do you feel about that?"

When I took Pablo to college, the sensitive deans planned a wonderful day for the freshman parents. They knew we had driven and flown very far, and to just drop off your kid and disappear was not what we needed at this delicate time.

What we needed, they felt, was to be read the riot act, but in gentle--and humorous--terms.

So while Pablo was settling in and running errands on campus, the deans eased us into being college parents.

The major lesson was how to talk to your now adult child i.e. college student.

Your student calls you, either to share events and stories about his life or to complain about something. And no longer are you to offer your unsolicited opinion or advice.

Instead, you are to say, “And how do you feel about that?”

And then you listen.

Then you say, “And what are you going to do about that?”

And then you listen.

Only if you are asked for your advice or opinion, you give it. If not, you don’t.

Think about it. You didn’t want to hear your Mother’s opinion about what you ate for lunch, or what sport you decided to take up, or where you decided to go for vacation. Think about your friendships. Your best friends don’t offer their opinion on every little thing you do. If they did…you probably wouldn’t have them as friends.

I know, it’s hard. We’ve been telling our children what we think for so many years now that it just comes naturally. Kids don’t want a parent constantly saying what she feels about some aspect of their lives or behavior. It makes them feel they are under scrutiny, where everything they do or don’t do will be judged.

Carolyn Heilbrun, author of “The Last Gift of Time: Life Beyond 60” wrote that one of the ways of being a wanted adult in the lives of her children was to stop talking and start listening. What your adult children tell you will be far more interesting than anything you could ever say to them. It is their world and their struggle, now. What they need most, is someone who will listen.

I'm not saying I have all this down yet. It takes practice to stop jumping in and trying to fix things. But I do think, if you treat your adult children as respectfully and lovingly as you do a friend, and you have a greater chance of having a loving, rich relationship for life.

Psst....It's all about the accessories...

Before I begin to share my tips for beautiful and easy dressing, culled from a lifetime of mistakes and learning… let me get this off my chest.

Have you noticed how the world looks as though they are walking around in their pajamas, or, coming and going to the gym? If you really look at people in the mall or at the airport it will positively hurt your eyes: sweatshirts, exercise clothes, Bermudas, sweatpants, baggy jeans. Ouch!

You don’t have to sacrifice comfort for elegance, ever. Even on long haul airplane flights. Sleek black yoga pants from Lululemon have a great street cut and are comfortably stretchy for long hours squished into a seat. Layered with t-shirt, sweater, scarf…and you’re looking great and comfortable

Natural fibers are your best friend. Natural fibers breathe and they feel good on your skin. They are always classic and elegant. The basics are: cotton, linen, silk and wool.

The classics are the basics. A great pair of good fitting jeans. Khaki slacks. Black slacks. A white cotton shirt. A white linen shirt. A white t-shirt. A black t-shirt. A denim shirt. A flannel shirt. A black sweater. Black skirt. “Little Black dress” Black shoes. Great sneakers. Solid loafers and flats. A wonderfully cut blazer. A trench coat. A great tank bathing suit.

Which brings me to my major fashion secret, which isn’t a secret at all.

It really is all about the accessories. Once you have the basic classics... great accessories make or break an outfit. Accessories are the things that truly define you and set you apart from others. Here’s the litmus test: two women are wearing the same jeans and a white shirt. One woman has a beautiful watch, nice leather flats and an exquisite leather handbag. The other woman has tatty sneakers and a dirty canvas bag. One looks lovely and elegant. The other looks sloppy and…poor.

Today I’m wearing a simple white t-shirt and a black skirt. The reason you won’t mistake me for a waitress is my huge, red bead multi-strand necklace and my Donald Pliner delicate black gladiator sandals.

I learned about accessories when I lived in France. Sit in a café in Paris and you’ll see every woman has a gorgeous handbag and an excellent watch. Are they all rich? No. French women save up for one fabulous handbag, instead of having a wardrobe of inexpensive ones. One good watch. One great Hermes scarf. And then they wear it.

Shoes tell everything about you. Buy the most expensive, comfortable shoes you can afford. Everyone has their niche when it comes to what’s an expensive shoe. Even if I could afford them, I am not interested in Carrie Bradshaw’s Manolo Blahniks. I have found a comfortable, stylish niche with Donald Pliner and Cole Haan. For sport, Merrill. Expensive shoes do last longer and look better.

Jewelry must-haves. A good, classic watch. One elegant gold ring. Large enough diamond stud earrings. A strand of good pearls. You don’t need a lot, you just need exquisite. After you have the basic pieces, then you can start to play with necklaces, bracelets and rings. Be aware that jewelry is a never-ending lust; you will always see a piece of jewelry that you want. Your taste evolves as your grow older (and richer) as well. Costume jewelry is acceptable if you have great taste and pile it on for effect; not trying to pretend it is something that it isn’t.

Beware your underwear. Life’s too short for stretched out, fugly underwear. Buy it often and throw it out often. When it comes to style, comfort is everything. If you are not comfortable in your underwear…what hope is there for your day? You don’t need to spend a fortune. Good style has trickled down to Calvin Klein, Victoria’s Secret, Banana Republic. Start with natural fibers of course, meaning in this case: cotton. Save the lacy little nothings for when you don’t need such support for long hours at a time.

Handbags. Entirely too complicated to go into here. I can hear you laughing…as some of you know, I have a... love... of handbags. Just start with one good black leather handbag, and one evening bag. A beautiful small evening bag dresses up something as simple as black pants and a black sweater, and also can look great with jeans and a t.

Spend what you probably think is a small fortune on a good wallet. You have purchased correctly, if afterwards you moan and say, “Why…I could have bought xx for the same amount of money!” Wallets are expensive. All that craftsmanship in such a tiny space. But how many times a day do you reach for your wallet? At least 20, if not more. Your wallet is a trusted companion and the years it will last will amortize it to a sensible sum to have spent.

If it’s night, it must be black. I always chuckle when someone asks me “What are you wearing tonight?” After all this time do they even have to ask? Is there any other color?

Black is always perfect, chic, appropriate. Black always looks great. Black is always impeccable. Black can look casual, or dressy. The little black dress can go to work, cocktails, dinner, theatre, a funeral. Black slacks and sweater looks good in almost every situation, day or night. Black is also: slimming. Is it any wonder why the people who work at fashion mags wear black?

Alas, when I moved to the tropics, it became impossible to wear black during the day. The white light of the sun just doesn’t work with black clothing. So, white and khaki have become my new black.

What is the single, greatest fashion accessory? A great body. By “great body” I don’t mean you need to be reed slim. Have your own great body – in shape, a good weight, physically fit and most important, healthy. If you are happy with your body, you look good. Try the jeans test: if you look good in jeans and a white shirt…you’re looking good! Sometimes you don’t need to buy new clothes…you just need to lose a little weight.

Overaccessorizing. This is a great piece of WASP advice I learned in Lisa Birnbach's "The Preppie Handbook" that I think is really good. When women dress for the evening, they err towards over accessorizing. So here it is: When you are finished dressing and ready to leave, stand in front of the mirror and take off one thing. Now you are ready to go out. It never fails.

Underdressed is better than overdressed. This is my personal opinion and you can feel free to disagree. Elegance means: pared down, or as Diana Vreeland said, “Elegance is refusal.” Only if I am invited to meet royalty or going to the Vienna Opera Ball, would I even consider wearing a long gown. Simple clothes and expensive jewelry makes me always dressed correctly.

Your fashion signature. After my first visit to Italy years ago…I have always owned a pair of red flats. I learned this from watching those effortlessly chic Italian women who always have something “tweak” their look. Red flats are my finishing touch; they are a smile. What’s your fashion signature?

The Shirt on your back -or- How to get dressed

What's the big deal? You wake up, you get dressed.

Clothing, like almost everything in life, is a paradox. Clothes can make your life miserable or charming. "Clothes do not make the man," and yet, the right clothes for you, can make you a happier, more confident, comfortable person. Wearing clothing that isn't you can make you feel rotten, affect your experience of an event, or uncomfortable in something too tight or too short.

"Don't judge people by the clothes they wear." And yet, we do. The clothing you choose to wear speaks volumes about you.

There are trillions of choices out there. Who are you and what will you wear? What is your style? Why does something look good on someone else and look terrible on you?

Understanding your personal style is a process that can take years. Your personal style can change in your different careers and lifestyle changes. When I worked in the public affairs department of Exxon Corporation in New York City, I wore the constricting, unimaginative uniform of the 80's career woman: silk blouses, stockings, conservative skirts, tailored jackets. I never felt good about these clothes, or the job. These were not my happiest years. I own none of this clothes today.

A few years later I became a copywriter in an ad agency, and I dressed stylish and creative wearing the high fashion of Comme des Garcons, Issey Miyake, Agnes B. I was much happier. I spent a fortune on clothes, none of which I own today, either.

That's because I became a mother and my style changed again, into quick to put on easy to care for clothes that babies could throw up on. I spent a lot of time on the floor too with the babies. So it was jogging clothes, leggings with big tops, jeans.

Then I moved to the tropics where clothes faded and lost its shape in a matter of months due to the calcified water, bleaching from the sun, extreme heat, and mildew. My friend Jean Cappello came to the rescue. "The secret to tropical dressing is to get yourself to the Gap or Banana Republic and buy some great cotton and linen pieces and wear them for six months, then throw them out and start over." Which is what I do and now I always look fresh and stylish.

Some people don't care what they wear. Others obsess. As in everything, the secret to clothing happiness is moderation. You want to get to the point where you enjoy your clothes, dressing is easy and fun, and shopping is not a bother.

Experiment with clothes. Have fun, try different things on. See what looks good on you, what feels good on you. Of course you'll make mistakes from time to time. To be expected. When you find yourself attracted to the same thing, over and over, you'll know it's you.

Tomorrow: my best clothing tips.

Practice makes Perfect

Don't wait for--or look for-- the perfect man, the perfect job, the perfect vacation, the perfect house, the perfect car, the perfect dress, the perfect whatever.

If you wait for perfection, you miss out on life's experiences and waste a lot of time. You'll be sitting on the sidelines while everyone else is living.

Just get yourself into the fray and work your way up to perfection! Get a job and then you'll find a better job. Don't wait for Mr. Right; go out with Mr. Okay. He just might turn into Mr. Right.

It really is practice that makes perfect.

P.S. Perfection doesn't exist. When you do find something that's "perfect," it will be perfect for awhile, until you decide something else is... more perfect.

Life with no regrets

You can't live a life with no regrets. We are human, and there is no such thing as a perfect life.

There are two kinds of regrets in life, those you can do something about, and those you can't.

It is never too late to say I love you or I'm sorry. Depending on your age, it might not be too late to learn or try something new, visit a place, buy a particular thing. If you have the chance to undo a regret, do it!

The regrets that you can't do anything about are the ones that hurt. But don't get stuck! Feel the pain and then move on.

Thinking about your future feeling may help you to think twice before deciding to do -- or not do -- a particular thing. Here's an example: Your friend is in ill health. You are torn about your vacation that you planned with your family -- do you go to the beach with your family, or take some time to see your friend. Ask yourself, "How would I feel if in a year, my friend were gone?" The answer to that guides your decision about what to do. Another question to always ask yourself is, "What would I like to have done to me?" and then act accordingly.

Also, keep in mind the famous saying: "You only regret what you don't do."

You never regret things you have done, because everything - good experiences and bad-- adds to who you are as a person. You never say, for instance, "I regret that I went to Montana where I climbed mountains and rode horses." But you will probably say, "I regret that I never went to Montana."

Here are a few of my gentle regrets. I share them with you, in the hope that perhaps they might help you to think about your lives.

I regret not having started therapy earlier in my life. I went into therapy at age 33. I lived for so many years, unhappy, confused, lost. If I had started earlier, I might have been more in command of my life at an earlier age. Moral: Don't waste time being unhappy. Take control and deal with it. Do whatever it takes to get to th root of your unhappiness, insecurity, whatever.

I regret that I didn't go into the Peace Corps when I was accepted back in 1975. Looking back now...I can't believe I didn't go! What an amazing experience that would have been! I had been accepted to teach English in French speaking Togo. I had the government physical, they pulled my wisdom teeth out getting me all ready for the adventure...and then...I didn't go! Decades later I now understand that it would have sent my life into an entirely different direction. I don't beat myself up about it too much, because, well, my life took other turns. But it is something I think about. Moral: An action not taken can change the course of your life. Only you don't know it at the time! Another moral: Go for it! Take risks!

I regret that I didn't take music more seriously and make it my career. I am tremendously musical. I had a good voice. I played the piano. Most important, I loved music. I'm not saying I would have been a rock star or a concert pianist. Far from it. But I was talented enough to have had a soul satisfying career in music, a music teacher, for instance. Moral: Take your talents seriously.

I regret that I didn't go to medical school. I would have liked to have spent my life in a healing profession. But the fact is, I never took my acadmic achievements or intellect seriously. It never occurred to me that I could become a doctor. I thought it was something other people did. Now I realize, that person could have been me! Moral: Take yourself seriously.

I regret that I didn't have a honeymoon. Not a life shattering regret, but just something to think about. The husband and I didn't have any money for a honeymoon. Or so we thought. We could have at least gone to Atlantic City for a weekend, or something simple like that, to call something a "Honeymoon" and honor the event. As a result, all my life I've said, "I never had a honeymoon." I'm divorced now...and regret not having a honeymoon even more! Moral: You never get a honeymoon again, so do it the first time!

There is one regret you can't win! I'm laughing here! You've all had this experience. It's when you are shopping on vacation and you see something you want to buy. If you don't buy it, thinking, "Oh, I'll see it again, later on, cheaper," I guarantee you, you'll never see it again. And if you buy it then and there, at full price, I guarantee you, you WILL see it again later, cheaper! For some reason this is a no win situation! My advice after a lifetime of this: buy it, enjoy it and carry on!

Celestial Cheesecake

Since I just spent two days talking about gifts...I thought I'd give you one.

Everyone needs at least one WOW dessert recipe in their repertoire. This is mine. I cherish this cheesecake recipe so much, I want to share it with you.

Many years ago, I asked my Mother's grand friend, Betty Kass, to send me a few of her signature recipes. Betty, who raised her kids in Huntington Woods, Michigan, was a masterful cook, and having some of her favorite recipes would be my way of having her spirit with me always.

My Mother passed away almost two years ago, but Betty Kass continues on as I write this, in an Alzheimer's home in Colorado.

This is a masterful recipe because it is foolproof, easy to make, exquisitely delicate and impressive. It is my idea of a perfect cheesecake: light but creamy. Great to serve at any dinner party, no matter how humble the first course. Make it early and forget about it. And if you bring it to a friend, they will know they are cherished.

But mostly, it is a great dessert to welcome kids, friends and family back home.

Betty Kass' Huntington Woods Cheesecake

Graham cracker crust in a 10" springform pan.

5 eggs, divided into whites and yolks
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp cream of tartar
1 cup sugar
2 tablespoons cornstarch
3 3-ounce packages of cream cheese
1/2 pint sour cream
1 cup milk

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

1. Make a graham cracker crust in a 10" springform pan.

2. Beat to stiff and set aside: 5 egg whites,1 tsp vanilla, 1 tsp cream of tartar.
3. In another bowl, beat 5 egg yolks to pale.
4. Add 1 cup sugar, 2 tablespoons cornstarch. BEAT well.
5. Add 3 3-ounce packages of cream cheese. BEAT well.
6. Add 1/2 pint sour cream. BEAT well.
7. Add 1 cup milk. BEAT 5 minutes.
8. Fold in the egg whites (from #2 above). Don't beat. Just fold in delicately!
9. Turn entire mixture into graham cracker crust.
10. Bake in 350 degree oven for one hour.
11. Here's the secret! TURN OFF OVEN AND LET SET FOR SEVERAL HOURS. DO NOT OPEN THE OVEN DOOR. DO NOT PEEK!
12. Can be served as is, or top with fresh strawberries and glaze if you like.

Share the magic with someone you love.

"I hope you like it!" On giving a gift.

The purest way to give a gift is from your heart, with great joy and love. This is true giving.

Gift giving appears to have no strings attached. At best, it is. But in reality, gift giving is full of strings attached: emotional strings, political strings, hidden agendas. Payback gifts, bribery gifts, impersonal gifts. Interesting once you start to think about it.

Gift giving can be political. People give gifts for many different reasons. They can give gifts out of their own sense of guilt. Or to inspire guilt in you. They give gifts out of fear ("every else is giving one") or out of politeness. Some people give gifts out of obligation. Some people give only because they want one in return. Others give you something to annoy. Some give gifts begrudgingly.

How do you choose a gift?

Do you give something you love? And because you love it so much, you hope the other person will love it too?

Or do you think only of the other person and buy something you know they will love? Your friend collects watermelon folk art and you don't particularly like it. But you see a nice watermelon salt shaker, so even though you don't like it, you select it as the gift.

The best gift giving is when you combine the two: something that the other person will like, that has a little bit of you in it. Your taste, your style.

A few of the finer points...and some stories.

At Christmas, when I was a little girl, my mother would ask me what I would like and I would proceed to tell her. But then she would buy me something only if she liked it. No matter that I liked it. Her gift giving modus operandi was if she didn't like it, I wouldn't get it. Of course this made me feel as if my opinion didn't matter.

As a result, I have always made it a point, ever since my kids were born, to get them things on their lists especially if I don't like them.

Because the whole point is to give pleasure and delight when you give a gift. Your pleasure is my pleasure.

I learned a few things about gift giving as founder of The Merida English Library. Our entire collection of books is donated. Over time, we learned we had to institute a policy on how to receive the book donations because because we learned we were hurting feelings. In the early days, a person would come into the library with a bag of books, only to have the volunteer librarian say, "Oh, we have that book," or, "This is a trashy novel," or, "This is in such bad condition, we'll have to throw it out."

We learned that quite often, people weren't giving us their books to make us feel good. They were giving us their books to make themselves feel good. So, our job was to welcome them, be thrilled no matter what the book or the condition of the book, and to thank them for thinking of us. In private, because we had a book policy, we could dispose of the books anyway we wanted: feature them on our shelves, sell them, throw them out or givie them away. The lesson learned was: if you burn out the giver during the gift process they would never give you another book again.

"You can return it if you don't like it." If someone says this to you while you are opening their gift, never say in front of them, at that moment, that yes, you will return it. Accept the gift, let it delight, and return it privately and quietly on your own time, knowing you have the blessing of the donor.

If someone brings, unrequested, a dessert or an hors d'oeuvres to your dinner party and you already have your menu planned and ready, it is not correct to leave their dish in the kitchen and serve only what you prepared. Put everything out.

However, if you bring a bottle of wine to the dinner party, don't expect that it will be opened. If there isn't any wine, or not enough wine, your bottle might be opened. But if the bottle is put away to be enjoyed at some later date, that is perfectly appropriate.

I don't agree with people who say, "Don't bring flowers to your dinner party hostess, because she doesn't have time to arrange them." Flowers are always a lovely gesture and a delight to receive. However, if you do bring flowers, don't expect the hostess to rush into the kitchen, clean and prep them, find a vase, arrange and display them. She might stick them in a bucket of water in the kitchen and save them to enjoy the next day.

What to do when people keep giving you gifts you don't want or like? Well, the first thing is to remember: it really is the thought that counts!

If the "bad" gift givers are business contacts, you might say, graciously of course, "You are so kind! But my company doesn't allow me to accept gifts. So, thank you for your consideration, but please, no more, because I simply can't accept them." They might even be secretly thrilled.

You can always preface your birthday party invitation with "No gifts please!" I'm laughing here, because...if you say it, you should mean it! I recall one woman who threw herself a 40th birthday party and specified, "No Gifts Please" but it was clear, to all who were invited, that she meant, "If you don't show up with a gift I'll be sad."

A gift that's always appreciated?

When in doubt, give a gift that can be consumed. Sometimes people "have everything" or have difficult tastes and are hard to shop for. In this case: a box of lovely French soaps. A bottle of fine Chardonnay. A box of Swiss chocolates. A beautiful candle. A tin of English tea. A jar of home made jam. A luxury handcream. A cellophane bag of Italian biscotti. A plant. Little luxuries are always in good taste and welcomed. You use it up, and it's gone. Pure delight and no clutter.

And then, there's the issue of "regifting" or gift recycling of gifts that you don't want. Never regift to friends. Only to a charity organization please!

"You shouldn't have!" On receiving a gift.

What's the big deal? Everyone loves receiving a gift. What advice do you need about this?

Well, apparently, a lot. One of my all time disappointments in human nature is a lack of common courtesy. The inability of people to utter a simple, genuine, delighted "thank you" stuns me every time. "Thank you" really is the expression that can make the world go 'round.

Gift giving - and receiving - is actually far more complex than you think. Whenever a gift is involved, there are messages being given and hungers being fed...or frustrated. (Tomorrow's entry will explore all that.) But for today, just know that gift giving and receiving is a human exchange you will participate in all your life. Doing each side of the transaction well adds tremendous enjoyment and satisfaction to your life.

Gift giving is a a social dance with its own choreography. It is a transaction with a beginning, a middle, an end. The giving and receiving of a gift is a cycle that must be completed if both parties are to be satisfied.

The receiver of a gift has a job to do: to acknowledge the giver for his thoughtfulness and generosity.

Not being thanked or acknowledged for giving a gift has killed the joy in gift giving for me. Lately, I haven't been receiving thank you's for wedding and baby shower gifts. I go to the effort to choose something I think the couple will like, or, selected something for which they registered, spend my hard earned money...and then it falls into a black hole! I don't know if they even received the gift, opened the gift, or knew it came from me!

This is low class behavior. I don't care if you have a college degree or are a millionaire. Saying, "Thank you," is priceless and it doesn't cost you a thing.

Always be delighted when someone gives you a gift.
Say "Thank you!"
Ask if you can open the gift right away, because people like having their gifts opened in front of them. Unless of course they say, "Do save it for Christmas morning," or, "Open it at your party tomorrow."
If you love it, then by all means express it! If not, then you must appreciate it. Never show that you don't like it. After all, it really is the thought that counts.
Don't just open it and put it aside. Comment on the gift. Even if you don't like it, there are things you can say: Where did you find it? The color is amazing. It is so exotic. I've never seen anything like it! Tone of voice is everything.
Try to refer to the gift at least once during the course of the time you spend together.
When the person leaves, thank them once again for their thoughtfulness. You just can't overdo, "thank you."
Certain gifts --Christmas, birthday, wedding--deserve a written thank you.

Never say you don't like a gift. Never even show ambivalence about a gift. Even if you have the book, say, "Oh, I adore this book." And you are telling the truth! If it is a particularly close friend, you might be able to utter a geniune groan and say, "Oh dearl...I love this book so much that I already have it!" And they will groan and be disappointed too. And then you'll make the arrangements about who will return the book and get something else.

Tomorrow: on giving!